Midlife Psychology—What You Need To Know
Dr. Jim Manganiello
MIDLIFE PSYCHOLOGY—What You Need To Know ©
The notion of "midlife crisis" refers to the feelings of chaos and disequilibrium that typically accompany this stage in our lives. But in fact, it is NOT a crisis. The turmoil of midlife usually enters into our consciousness as anxiety over who we are. It is better to think of midlife as a psychological rather than as a biological time.
During midlife we encounter a natural movement from within ourselves to leave one psychological identity and move into another. This movement often meets with strong resistance from internal forces that would like to maintain the status quo. It is a like having to leave known for foreign territory. It can be a movement filled with doubt and fear.
Midlife is a process that involves experiences of inner turmoil and a stretching of ourselves that, if negotiated properly, can yield something of enduring value. It is as if our identity loses it's solid ground while we are in movement between different possibilities within ourselves. We occupy a psychological location, at such times, that is like being on a suspension bridge. Any emotional upheaval is like a strong wind that can leave us feeling out of control as the familiar images that have defined us in the past no longer seem fixed and reliable.
The real value of psychology and psychotherapy is to enable people to live with self-understanding. This ability is a critical resource for making all important life transitions.
If we resist change and rigidly hold on to the old images of who we are, we run the risk of living the second half of our lives in the confinement of an identity that has trouble taking advantage of life's deeper opportunities. We, then, can develop a kind of chronic dread about having to face growing old and, inevitably, of having to die. Life, in such circumstances, can lose it's bright colors and become something that we merely endure rather than live with any vibrancy or passion.
It is during times of psychological crisis that our deepest possibilities emerge most clearly. Many of us enter midlife with well established patterns that are familiar to us. Our work and family life have become predictable sources of identity and enjoyment. Then all of a sudden we can begin to feel depleted. What we have worked hard for and what we have valued can seem lacking in some vague way.
Our lives can begin to feel like a drama that someone else has arranged. We seem to lose energy for what we do every day. It becomes repetitive and boring. Even our most prized possessions may all of a sudden appear to be just "things" that no longer mean very much to us.
It can almost feel as if we have lost something that we then struggle to get back. But, typically, that does not work. We can find ourselves worried and anxious as the old wounds in our self-image begin to feel very sore again. As a kind of panic sets in, we might find our connections to people in our family and work lives feel strained. We begin to question everything that seems to have a hold on our time and energy. And we can feel the need and strong appetite for freedom.
Midlife is a time when the old images that we had come to rely upon for self definition no longer seem to work well. But, as yet, there are no new images on the scene that could provide us with a clear sense of identity. As a consequence, our experience of ourselves, of the "I" or "me" that we tend to identify with can become uneasy and indefinite.
It is a little like discovering that the solid ground that we were standing on is actually a large turtle's back that is moving. What results is a subtle sense of panic as we lose our balance and the certainty of who we are.
If we fail to psychologically understand this territory, we might become rigid and inflexible in an attempt to hold on tightly to what was. This can result in a narrowing and constricting of our lives as we forfeit the opportunity to claim options for growth that emerge during this time. On the other hand, we can impulsively react to midlife turmoil by making changes that we don't understand or that we are not really prepared for. We might, for example, prematurely change jobs, leave a relationship, make risky investments, or embrace some glitzy philosophy in a not too well thought out gesture to make change. Too often this reactive approach leaves us washed up on a psychological shore that is empty of any depth or meaning.
Our surface identity seeks to find and cling to some sense of certainty that could keep it secure and safe. We could say that when it travels, it likes to have an itinerary clearly and precisely mapped out. It does not like surprises. It even avoids the scenic routes so that it can stay on the main road where everything is predictable.
Midlife can be a time when our old maps for life do not fit the territory that we find ourselves in.
As Dante put it in his Inferno,
Midway this way of life we're bound upon, I woke to find myself in a dark wood, Where the right road was wholly lost and gone.
Circumstances that can make us intensely aware of midlife turmoil are both internal and external. The external ones include such realities as the physical evidence of our aging, the death of our parents, our children leaving the nest and the closer view of our own death on the visible horizon. These situations are depressing in that they tend to put us face to face with an existence that contradicts the stance of our youthful heroism, which always imagined that we could have our own way in this life.
Our heroic ego also finds itself assaulted from the inside. The solid ground that our self-image seemed to stand on begins to crack. We find ourselves experiencing a discrepancy between who we thought we were and who we actually are now. To make matters worse, while the person we thought we were seems to be dissolving, the person we hoped we weren't begins to show up more and more. This clash of images can leave us feeling sad, depressed, angry and very alone. We might feel a sense of profound loss that we cannot really explain to ourselves.
Midlife tranformative forces can push us deeply into our fear. Then we see it's real nature. Behind our fear is a sadness that is an expression of a tender heart. This tender heart is an important source of compassion and concern for others as well as of awe and wonder about the mystery of life. When we connect with our tender heart, we no longer have to be embarrassed about who we are.
There is an art and science to making a midlife transformation. First we need to recognize that the turmoil we feel represents life working on us rather than evidence that we are sick or other than we should be. As we give up our concepts of who we are and what we "should" be, we can then become sensitive to a kind of internal guidance. Our psyche, at first, frightens us by shaking up our world entirely. It then stimulates us by pointing to some of life's most interesting possibilities.